"No"

It is a pretty simple word.  Many people (myself included) find it a very dificult word. We have given it all sorts of weird contextual implications.  If we say it, we feel rude.  If we say it too often, maybe they will stop asking - and we want to be asked.  We get racked by guilt over a simple little one syllable word.

From the other side - it is difficult to ask favors, or to ask people to do more than their share.  They say to ask a busy person if you want the job done.  But if the person is truly busy - are you offended when they say "no"???  Maybe you feel a little guilty having asked.  And what is with the guilt thing? 

I took one of those weekend long self-help retreat things a few years ago.  You know:  the "Rah, Rah, you are a wonderful person, all of these strangers are here for you, get on out of here with your newbie positive attitude.  Power of attraction!  you go girl!" weekend.  I took the class because, quite simply, all of the happiest people I know in Tampa are graduates of this course.  It was fun.  I didn't get any huge, mind shattering insights.  I did not make any life-long, bare-my-soul buddies.  I met some interesting people, had some interesting observations.  My favorite concept from this class, the one that hit, and I've incorporated is:  if you want/need something, you can ask.  WHAT?  ask?  for help?  WHAT?  The trick, the thing that makes it easy, and kind of fun, is to not be vested in the response.  

I learned from my Mom to never ask for help; we are self sufficient farm stock.  On the rare occasions I have seen my Mom ask for help, she Really needs help, has exhausted all possibilities, and is VERY vested in the response.  If she is refused - which doesn't happen often (you know the whole none of us want to say "no" thing) - she tightens her resolve and becomes even more self-sufficient, closed away, and unwilling to ask. mom - I know you read this, don't take it personally - I'm just using a very close example.  But - people LIKE to help.  If you ask, with no pressure, you give them an opportunity to show how much they appreciate you, and it is win/win.  The old adage "there is no harm in asking" is only true if you are actually "asking."  Leave the manipulation muscles out of it.

What about being asked?  oh, oh - pick me, I know this one!  Where does your response fit into your priorities?  

We are smokin' busy at work right now.  We therapist are running all over, we are all working overtime, trying to cram patients into non-existent time slots, and across the board all of the teams are not getting therapy evals done in time.  So when an eval comes in, the schedulers BEG us to help.  The last few weeks I needed the overtime.  The next two weeks, I need to have time off for family things and court things.  My schedule is FULL.  I could put 90 miles a day on my car, get a bunch of new people in, drive all over the place and feel like I am helping.  But here is the deal - the therapists that do that are tired, cranky, burned out, complaining, completely unappreciated (the office people still do not have enought therapists to see all of the patients, and now they are not getting their paperwork in time), and stressed.  Right now we need more staff.  And currently we are all running all over the county.  I like to work hard, but I won't compromise care, or my family, and inefficiency drives me batty.  

So - my answer is "NO."

Molly - will youNO how aboutNO can I NO there's a newNO. 

I have decided that since the system is inefficient, I have to be proactive about efficiency.  I only say "yes" if it is in my chosen geography.  The thing is, people actually appreciate it.  I am seeing more patients than I am required to, I still get my paperwork done in time, I spend quality, productive time with my patients, and when I walk into the office I am relaxed, happy and cheerful.  And, as I have explained my reasons, no one has a problem with my No-ness.

Hmmm - try it.  It is just one little word - with the power to make lots of people very happy.

Random Acts

I love the "Random Acts of Kindness" movement.  You've seen the pretty purple bumper stickers - Practice Random Acts of Kindness and Senseless Beauty.  The concept got a huge boost in the population at large with the movie "Pay It Forward."  (Great movie - but - spoiler alert - very sad!  Don't watch it unless you schedule some emotional recovery time afterward).  The new insurance commercial, (if I was a better consumer, I'd remember which company), about people doing simple kind acts for each other in a sort of chain reaction - love that, and shows that the concept has hit mainstream.

I, myself, often do nice and unnecesary things for strangers.  You, know, opening doors for people, helping people pick up stuff they dropped, letting people in during tight traffic situations.  Once I even paid for some guy's groceries because he was obviously on a tight schedule and his paycheck hadn't hit the bank yet - 6:00am on his way home from a double shift, he really didn't need to think about how to get back to the store before he went to work that night.  But the acts aren't really random.  In each and every incident, I saw a need, and I filled it.  I sort of look at these as opportunities to fill my Karmic bank account.  And being from a very proud, self sufficient family, I do not take withdrawls from that account.  I would never allow a stranger to give me money for something, and if someone helps me pick up stuff, I certainly do my best to pick up MORE, and thank them, profusely, - to prove that I appreciate, but did not NEED their help.  Oh no, needing other people?  not me.  no way. 

So - the other day, I was the recipient (victim?) of a truly Random Act.  Standing in line at the grocery store express lane, patiently waiting my turn to pay for the few items that were on my list the day before, but I forgot - dammit - don't have TIME to be going to the flipping grocery store everyday!  The lady in front of me had a small child with her, used her debit card to pay for groceries.  The checker started scanning my things.  The lady was still there, swiping her card - odd.  The fax machine at work allows multiple faxes and numbers to be entered in succession - I didn't realize that grocery store scanners had gotten so advanced, maybe she forgot to get cash with her purchase?  I walked up to the key-pad and started to scan my card - the clerk stopped me - oh no, the lady ahead - she paid for you.  WHAT?  REALLY?

Now - that was random.  As I walked out of the store, I saw her getting her child out of the cart, and started to thank her.  She said, "no, no, do something for someone else."  

Now I have been charged by the Gods of Generosity to repay an unfathomable debt.  I am looking.  Looking for the opportunity.  Something random.  Something faceless.  Something that will restore some random person's faith in mankind.  Or at least something nice.