Love by the Numbers

This is an old story, but it has been on my mind alot lately so, I thought I'd share.

When I split up from the Darling Daughter's Dad (DDD).  I was pretty devastated, divorced from the 1st husband, separated from the father of my child, feeling like a two-time loser with zero ability to pick a mate, I holed up like a hermit for about 3 months.  The first time I went out with friends, I ran into the ex.  He was happy, hanging with some girl, looked like his classic "sneaker date."  He invites a bunch of people he knows to the same venue, corrals the object of interest for most of the evening, makes his play. If it doesn't work out, no harm, no foul, it wasn't really a date. We were civil, nice almost.  I met a guy that asked me how I knew him, and was really impressed that we seemed so adult about the break up (not knowing it was a recent break-up).  Then he went on to tell me he had known the DDD for about 3 years, and admired him as a fun, crowd pleasing, single guy.  WTF????? we had been separate for 3 month?  I'm home with the under 5 year old!  How single had he been all this time?

So I went home, angry, heart-sick, feeling like I'd been duped, and started writing madly in the "angry" journal.  And I came up with a brilliant idea.  I would make a list.  A master list.  One that would embody all of my values and core principals, one that would, in effect, shield me from future stupid mistakes.  It was a list of criteria for my next love interest.  Things that are so important to me that straying from the list at all would be a DEAL BREAKER.  There were 15 items on the list, and they were all important:  Sense of humor, financial security, generosity, not wasteful, politically moderate, religiously open-minded, caring, out-doorsy, non-judgmental, etc., etc.  The first thing I wrote was "Hard Body."  Immediately under that I wrote:  "You shallow b***h, how did that even make the list?" - I wouldn't even meet my own criteria.  And then I ran the ex through the list, he hit 6.  Then I ran my 1st husband through the list - he hit 7.  Wait - I'm actually getting WORSE at picking guys?  Totally hanging it up - I obviously have better chances for happiness as a single mom.

And that was it.  I started prioritizing things that were important.  Went to dancing venues with friends that I knew the DDD wouldn't show up at, spent more time doing crafts, hanging with the girl friends, working harder.  Life was good.  Now - a little about Mike.

I have known Mike for years.  He was one of those people that would hold the darling girl so her dad and I could dance.  He was also my favorite dance partner when someone else had the girl.  Nice guy, great dad.  I knew he and his ex through their break up.  Talk about mature!  They still have a great relationship.  I started running into him at Contra Dances, and he was fun, but ZERO attraction.  One night we stopped for a beer after dancing, and he let me know he was interested - I put a stop to that!   Need to get my life back in order, blah, blah, lets talk again in a year, blah, blah.  Bought myself some time anyway.  He came over to the house a couple of times to help me with my web-site, his 13 year old and my 6 year old got along fairly well. Whatever.

One day I was flipping through some old journals and found "The List."  Just for kicks and giggles, I decided to run Mike through the list.  14 of 15.  Seriously?  Who would have thunk it?  Those are good numbers.  And what did he miss?  You guessed it.  The one I was totally embarrassed by, the one that did not address what I believe to be my own values.  I crossed off "Hard Body" and added "Computer Geek."  Wow 15/15

So - I initiated a "sneaker date" of my own.  He thought he was working on the web-site.  I got rid of the kid and cooked him dinner.  By the end of the evening it was very clear that the "attraction" thing was NOT a problem.  And a year later we got married.  So the moral of the story?  If you are one of those people that follow your heart, and your heart tends to screw you over and over - try letting your head weigh in on it once in awhile.  6 years later, I am truly living the dream, I have the best husband, partner, lover, computer guy in the world!  I'd say lucky me - but it was a calculated coup, and I couldn't be happier.

Hamster Home-Life

Well, since the last post I have been trying to be effective, position myself to be helpful, even.  What have I accomplished?  I completed an "Oiled Wildlife Response" class; I have taken three courses on-line from FEMA on Incident Command Systems, I have renewed my basic life support (first aid) credentials.  Next week I take the BP sponsored HAZMAT training, and check out a Florida DART (disaster animal response team) meeting.  I have register myself to volunteer, but I am only going to be able to answer phones or whatever.  I have registered the little girl and I to help with pre-oil beach clean up if it looks to threaten our local beaches.

But - what have I accomplished?  Probably nothing.  In order to actually be involved in clean up, either on the beaches, or with the animals, I have to be affiliated with a group that will be called (DART is one, Suncoast Seabird Sanctuary another), and even if I start volunteering with those groups, I don't get to go out in the field until I have completed their required hours or trainings.  There will probably not be time before it is necessary, so I've sort of resigned myself to volunteering anyway I can, even if it means paperwork, or dealing with the public.  I just think that any of us that can do something, should.  So I'm willing to do whatever I can.

Oh - and there was a tie-dye party with 15 or so of my daughter's friends (at my house).  And the gym pool party (at the local pool).  And the first day at Adventure Island for the season.  And my first week at being a per-diem home health therapist.  And good - GREAT- news about my mom's cancer. 


Life is good.

Black Gold

The tragedy in the Gulf is a little more than my brain can handle.  If I pay too much attention I feel compelled to do something - but what?  I can throw small amounts of money at it.  I would love to be amongst the masses up of people pulling helpless oil soaked animals out of nests and washing them up. I'd like to be cracking the heads of oil-execs and politicians that allowed the circumstances that made this possible.  I would like to live a life completely independent of petroleum products.  I would like to be able to tell my daughter that all of the baby turtles hatching this month along the gulf coast will be OK.  I would like to be able to comfort the families who lost loved ones in the explosion, and the tell all of the families and towns on the Gulf Coast that their livelihoods are secure.  None of that will happen.  As a citizen of earth, I feel vague, deep, uneasy pain, and a huge sense of responsibility. My ex-husband used to call it "Earth-Hurt" and tease me about my sensitivity to global crisis'.

As I have said, I have friends on all sides of the political spectrums, but when it comes to individual events, most people with heart weigh in on the side of humanity.  I was appalled at some of the commentary I have seen lately.  I get that environmentalists, with their "doom's day, we are raping the earth" approach, are annoying to the political right. These fear tactics do not make people any more sympathetic to their cause than "Obama is an Islamic terrorist" groups help the lefties take the agendas of the right seriously.  But this oil spill is huge, and tragic, and needs to be a cross party discussion.  There is no room for debate - fix the freakin' problem and make sure it does not happen again, while we shift our entire fuel consumption to renewable, safe sources. 

Someone I know (not a friend, a friend of a friend) actually posted a comment that the environazis need to "get over it."  Oil came from the earth, and the earth will reabsorb this, like it has been doing for billions of years, and everything will be fine.  WTF???????  The earth has been doing a pretty good job of keeping that pool of black death locked up well below the surface for a really long time.  I was amazed that the poster acknowledged that the earth may be older than 6,000 yrs old - this is what I get for stereo-typing idiots. 

I hardly ever show my deep, artsy side, but after the Exxon Valdez spill I wrote a poem that I'll share - I haven't written any poetry in about 11 years, its hard to remember that for most of my life I wrote alot - but here goes (the title is because I heard the verdict on the trial on Mother's day, 1994)

Mother's Day

     Black blood spilling
     Onto the foaming surf.
     Waves stilled
     In crude submission

     Colours swirl 
     From blue to black.
    Death by entrapment
     In the wounds
                  of Earth.

     Liquid gold,
     More precious than
     Diamonds.
     Carbon can be cruel.


      Gaia's blood burns
      Profiting the
      Parasites that
      Poison
             our Mother