They say hindsight is 20/20. In order to clearly see your past, you have to actively look at it. Deconstruction of your past actions can be a process of true growth, or it can be the worst form of self-indulgent narcissism. I'm constantly looking back. "Damn, I could have done that better." or "That is something I'll be fixing in the future." or, "Crap, who's in charge of damage control?" Sometimes I give myself premature (or timely), undeserved (or honestly earned), pats on the back. Right now I am swinging on my back porch, beer in hand watching the fire reduce itself to embers - all because the Girl child and company want to roast hot dogs and make s'mores. I am at a good spot in life when drinking beer alone in front of a fire makes me feel like a Good Mom.
I had a couple of "bad Mommy" moments earlier this week. The Darling Girl has inherited the unfortunate habit of self-analysis, I'm not always the best sounding board. Sometimes she is looking for an honest opinion about action or behaviour, and sometimes she wants to know that she is loved unconditionally, that she should never change. She is a teen ager. Sometimes I forget that. Even when I remember, it does not mean I will understand the things any better. Conversations are not the equal give and take of active minds that they once were. They are not the sharing of advice to enrich her future. They are freakin' psychological mine fields, and I do not have a map. I usually know that I went the wrong way when she clams up and gets a little teary. She invented "I'm fine." My go to attitude is more: "what-ev-er." These are not compatible phrase patterns. There are often hurt feelings and shocked confusion hanging about the room, left over after the most seemingly mundane conversations.
I try to remember how my parents coped. Then I remember. They drank. A lot. I'm pretty sure that is not an option for me. This beer is pretty darn good, though - it is something to ponder.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Monday, October 10, 2011
New Horizons
When we were children, clouds became animals.
Now that we are adults, the vast, blue sky is a metaphor for the infinite, upward potential of the human spirit.
- Laura Teresa Marquez
I often say that I am a mediocre (at best) home health therapist.
This is true. I love my work, enjoy my patients, I put every bit of education, compassion and caring that I have at my disposal into each treatment. I feel that this is the kind of care that should always be demanded of your professionals - it is not a standard of care, it is minimal care. I have zero desire to elevate my knowledge base - this is what sets apart the average, run of the mill therapist that has a good job, and a passionate professional, a "top-tier" therapist.
And then I run off and spend 9 days away from my family learning an in depth specialized area of care that allows me to help a whole underserved population of people, increases my level of expertise, and my knowledge base, and makes me a more marketable professional.
Damn! I was so content going through each day spinning my wheels, acting like a new-grad. But I love this - and I feel like it will be hugely valuable to my patients, enhance the efficiency of our wound care (like an assist for the nurses), and it is a hands-on type of care that does not kill my old arthritic hands. So now it is rushing around trying to set up a program. I am inservicing the nurses, trying to figure out suppliers, setting appointments to work with marketing people to let the Docs know we have a program, networking with people all over, and realizing that I may have found a home in home-health. I may actually get good at this. I may still be a mediocre home-health therapist, but I plan to be a kick-ass Certified Lymphedema Therapist.
And yeah - I am very tired! going to be a long week.
Now that we are adults, the vast, blue sky is a metaphor for the infinite, upward potential of the human spirit.
- Laura Teresa Marquez
I often say that I am a mediocre (at best) home health therapist.
This is true. I love my work, enjoy my patients, I put every bit of education, compassion and caring that I have at my disposal into each treatment. I feel that this is the kind of care that should always be demanded of your professionals - it is not a standard of care, it is minimal care. I have zero desire to elevate my knowledge base - this is what sets apart the average, run of the mill therapist that has a good job, and a passionate professional, a "top-tier" therapist.
And then I run off and spend 9 days away from my family learning an in depth specialized area of care that allows me to help a whole underserved population of people, increases my level of expertise, and my knowledge base, and makes me a more marketable professional.
Damn! I was so content going through each day spinning my wheels, acting like a new-grad. But I love this - and I feel like it will be hugely valuable to my patients, enhance the efficiency of our wound care (like an assist for the nurses), and it is a hands-on type of care that does not kill my old arthritic hands. So now it is rushing around trying to set up a program. I am inservicing the nurses, trying to figure out suppliers, setting appointments to work with marketing people to let the Docs know we have a program, networking with people all over, and realizing that I may have found a home in home-health. I may actually get good at this. I may still be a mediocre home-health therapist, but I plan to be a kick-ass Certified Lymphedema Therapist.
And yeah - I am very tired! going to be a long week.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Learning/Wishing
I love that we are doing this, and am especially happy that the darling girl gets to have really cool experiences growing up. I do spoil my child. If it is in my power to let her do or try anything, as long as she learns and follows safety precautions, is willing to put the time in to do something safely and conscientiously, I will try to make it happen. Not a big fan of buying her things. Every electronic gadget she owns (which is a bunch) she either bought herself or was a gift from not-the-mommy.
Someone asked me the other day what I wished for my daughter. The knee-jerk reaction was what my Mom always said: "I wish that she grows up happy." But I really don't. Wishing is something you do when there is an element of chance in the outcome. The smaller the odds the more fervent the wish. I wish that she has a great job, that she enjoys and pays her a comfortable income (small wish - she has the skills, internal drive and practical nature that makes this nearly a given). I wish that I get at least one grand-child out of the deal (bigger wish - who knows what path she'll take, she likes kids, but has such big dreams and ambitions, and just because maternal bliss is my path doesn't make it hers). I want a million things for my daughter, but mostly I want her to make decisions that will build her character and keep her always engaged in her life.
Happiness? This is the one thing in our world that we have complete control over. I can't wish happiness for her, because nothing in the world: money, relationships, career, experience, family, candy, toys, world peace, global domination, NOTHING can make you happy. Happy is a choice. I fervently wish that my daughter understands this and makes this choice, but I have no control over this. The universe at large, whom I generally expect to deliver my wishes, has no jurisdiction over this. Only the Darling Daughter can make herself happy. All I can do is try to show her what happy looks like. And I am happy, very, very happy. :-)
Saturday, September 17, 2011
OW
As in Open Water. As in Open Water Diver. Which on one level, may qualify as an ow! Very excited. fairly nervous. a little scared. Now we have to actually do it. Our first dive is lined up for next weekend, in the gulf, off a boat, in 50-60 ft of water. We are going on the dive charter run by the shop that we took lessons with, so there is the comfort level of familiarity - sort of - the boat is being run by the Clearwater store, and we really only know the Tampa people. The captain seems ultra friendly and "newbie sensitive."
It's all good, and it will be fun. If my ears don't completely freak out on me, and Riki's sinus' don't stop her at 15 ft.
The child is absolutely determined to muscle ahead with her fund raiser. She does not have sponsorships or participants lined up, and the cost of event insurance is around $600. She has faith that it will all come together. I have faith that regardless of the outcome, she will have learned some pretty important lessons.
I leave on October 1st for a week long intensive training in Completed Decongestion Therapy/Lymphatic Drainage. Exciting. The Darling Husband and Darling Daughter will have to figure out school, gym, breakfast lunches and transport without me. And the last day I am gone - they have to run a Wild Child Pics booth at a local market. The first one of the year. And I'm not even available for moral support. Phone off from 8:00am-8:00pm except for potty breaks for 9 days. I'm looking forward to it. The family is pretty self sufficient. They make me feel needed, but I think they do that because they love me, not because they can't handle it without me.
2012 Wild Child Pics Calendars are almost here. We picked up the proofs, made a few changes, hopefully will pick them up next week. We take credit cards now - but I'm not quite getting it - it makes people nervous when you swipe their card 5 times for a $12 purchase. So far I have not actually overcharged anyone. The people I have sold to have been quite patient.
On a completely different note, my boss resigned. It was not unexpected, we lost our General Manger a few weeks ago, and I have been surprised everyday that our DCS (Director of Clinical Services) was still there. It is sad, though. This man was the 8th DCS I have worked for at this company in 3 1/2 years, and the first one that I liked instantly. He may very well be one of the best bosses I have ever had - straightforward, caring, firm, clear headed; never petty, personal, or caught up in the crazy. I like our acting Director, and we had a conversation yesterday about some changes she would like to see happen - all of them sound good, but none of them are new ideas - we'll see if she can pull it off.
As in Open Water. As in Open Water Diver. Which on one level, may qualify as an ow! Very excited. fairly nervous. a little scared. Now we have to actually do it. Our first dive is lined up for next weekend, in the gulf, off a boat, in 50-60 ft of water. We are going on the dive charter run by the shop that we took lessons with, so there is the comfort level of familiarity - sort of - the boat is being run by the Clearwater store, and we really only know the Tampa people. The captain seems ultra friendly and "newbie sensitive."
It's all good, and it will be fun. If my ears don't completely freak out on me, and Riki's sinus' don't stop her at 15 ft.
The child is absolutely determined to muscle ahead with her fund raiser. She does not have sponsorships or participants lined up, and the cost of event insurance is around $600. She has faith that it will all come together. I have faith that regardless of the outcome, she will have learned some pretty important lessons.
I leave on October 1st for a week long intensive training in Completed Decongestion Therapy/Lymphatic Drainage. Exciting. The Darling Husband and Darling Daughter will have to figure out school, gym, breakfast lunches and transport without me. And the last day I am gone - they have to run a Wild Child Pics booth at a local market. The first one of the year. And I'm not even available for moral support. Phone off from 8:00am-8:00pm except for potty breaks for 9 days. I'm looking forward to it. The family is pretty self sufficient. They make me feel needed, but I think they do that because they love me, not because they can't handle it without me.
2012 Wild Child Pics Calendars are almost here. We picked up the proofs, made a few changes, hopefully will pick them up next week. We take credit cards now - but I'm not quite getting it - it makes people nervous when you swipe their card 5 times for a $12 purchase. So far I have not actually overcharged anyone. The people I have sold to have been quite patient.
On a completely different note, my boss resigned. It was not unexpected, we lost our General Manger a few weeks ago, and I have been surprised everyday that our DCS (Director of Clinical Services) was still there. It is sad, though. This man was the 8th DCS I have worked for at this company in 3 1/2 years, and the first one that I liked instantly. He may very well be one of the best bosses I have ever had - straightforward, caring, firm, clear headed; never petty, personal, or caught up in the crazy. I like our acting Director, and we had a conversation yesterday about some changes she would like to see happen - all of them sound good, but none of them are new ideas - we'll see if she can pull it off.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Groundless Rant
The one thing I love about blogging is the total freedom to rant on and on about things that I have little to no point of reference on. I can make whatever point I want based purely on conjecture, with no interruptions by annoying little facts, or research, or the opinions of others.
And be completely aware that most opinions are based on emotion, and experience, not fact. And, our experience seem to be factual to us, when they are often misinterpretations of events, based on previously misinterpreted events. It is a vicious cycle. On to the Rant:
WHY are environmental issues divided along party lines? What about conservation could possibly be anti-Republican? How is preserving your resources not a conservative value? I grew up in a staunchly republican home. "Waste not, Want not," was a rule, almost written in blood, except that writing in blood would be wasteful. Living on a farm in the middle of nowhere requires a certain amount of conservation, organic farming, crop rotation, allowing fields to rest, etc. Made fiscal and long term use sense. It wasn't cool, it just was. We have known for my entire life that there isn't a bunch of available oil, that coal resources, and oil reserves will run out. We also know how damaging drilling can be to the environment - not just from a natural beauty sense, but from a ruining our potential food source perspective. We sink billions of dollars into the industry, sometimes completely wasted trying to get more of this stuff out of the ground. We give a lot of lip-service to the possibility of alternative sources, always followed with, "these are great but you can't run an airplane or locomotive on it." Why the hell not?
I am not an expert, and I do not have a multibillion dollar oil company backing me up, but if the same money was available to research and develop renewable sources, we would have them. Money talks, and the power minds of our great nations could probably have us completely running on pig-farts in 10 years if the money was there. Hell - my phone could probably handle all the data NASA needed for our first moon-walk. - Why? because somebody figured out early on that the money was in computers.
So back to my rant. The democrats (love them - they are sort of my adopted family) have zero muscle on this sort of thing, especially when dealing with big oil. The republicans - the party that I grew up in, that confounds me on every turn, pretty much has their head up the proverbial arse on this. So that sort of leaves us. We get what we demand, right? Except the laws of supply and demand don't really apply here. We need to get from point "A" to point "B" and if fossil fuels are what get us there, that's what we use.
and oh - yeah, there is our plastics addiction. Remember glass drawers in refrigerators? Glass thermos bottles? bulk foods in grocery stores? paper wrapped sandwhiches? I'm really not that old, and I remember this stuff.
Something has to be done, but first we have to acknowledge that it is an issue, and not a party issue. I miss Charlie Crist!
And be completely aware that most opinions are based on emotion, and experience, not fact. And, our experience seem to be factual to us, when they are often misinterpretations of events, based on previously misinterpreted events. It is a vicious cycle. On to the Rant:
WHY are environmental issues divided along party lines? What about conservation could possibly be anti-Republican? How is preserving your resources not a conservative value? I grew up in a staunchly republican home. "Waste not, Want not," was a rule, almost written in blood, except that writing in blood would be wasteful. Living on a farm in the middle of nowhere requires a certain amount of conservation, organic farming, crop rotation, allowing fields to rest, etc. Made fiscal and long term use sense. It wasn't cool, it just was. We have known for my entire life that there isn't a bunch of available oil, that coal resources, and oil reserves will run out. We also know how damaging drilling can be to the environment - not just from a natural beauty sense, but from a ruining our potential food source perspective. We sink billions of dollars into the industry, sometimes completely wasted trying to get more of this stuff out of the ground. We give a lot of lip-service to the possibility of alternative sources, always followed with, "these are great but you can't run an airplane or locomotive on it." Why the hell not?
I am not an expert, and I do not have a multibillion dollar oil company backing me up, but if the same money was available to research and develop renewable sources, we would have them. Money talks, and the power minds of our great nations could probably have us completely running on pig-farts in 10 years if the money was there. Hell - my phone could probably handle all the data NASA needed for our first moon-walk. - Why? because somebody figured out early on that the money was in computers.
So back to my rant. The democrats (love them - they are sort of my adopted family) have zero muscle on this sort of thing, especially when dealing with big oil. The republicans - the party that I grew up in, that confounds me on every turn, pretty much has their head up the proverbial arse on this. So that sort of leaves us. We get what we demand, right? Except the laws of supply and demand don't really apply here. We need to get from point "A" to point "B" and if fossil fuels are what get us there, that's what we use.
and oh - yeah, there is our plastics addiction. Remember glass drawers in refrigerators? Glass thermos bottles? bulk foods in grocery stores? paper wrapped sandwhiches? I'm really not that old, and I remember this stuff.
Something has to be done, but first we have to acknowledge that it is an issue, and not a party issue. I miss Charlie Crist!
Saturday, August 27, 2011
The Mermaid Within
He who would search for pearls must dive below.
John Dryden
This is turning into the misadventures of Molly Mud - or some equally horrific account of my ridiculous attempts at - well, whatever. Currently it is all about diving.
I did not drown the beautiful girl in the "buddy breathing and ascent" drill today. This is an improvement over the last attempt, and since this time we were in real water, about 20 feet down, it is definitely a bonus. However, I brought her up so fast that if we had been deeper or down longer, we probably would have gotten bent. She, of course saved me in the classic textbook way. She started her descent at least once without putting her regulator (breathing doo hickey) into her mouth - oops, snorkels do not work underwater, which I proved when I tried to use my snorkel after giving her my regulator in the buddy breathing thing. Seriously, if I am the responsible party, one of us will drown. (not really, Mom, we are getting it)
I did not cramp up. Yay! I managed to control most of the painful parts of pressure equalization, but am still very stuffy and can barely hear out of one ear.
The biggest problem I have is control of my body in the water. I have always prided myself on my good balance. Even flabby and out of shape, I have great core strength and excellent balance. Except for some reason I have no control over my body in the water. Everyone else comes down straight, feet toward the bottom, head toward the surface. And they come up the same way. Not me. Sideways, sitting, twisted, flopping every which direction. I look like those movies of astronauts floating in space, except that I am more flailing than floating. A fish out of water looks positively graceful compared to me.
Some really cool stuff. We were diving at Weeki Wachee, and one of the Mermaids was training, right off the same platform we were learning on. I got to swim with a mermaid! Sort of - she was rather busy, and so were we. Random question - do mermaids pee in their tails? the water is very chilly, just sayin.' There was a very pretty little fish that was quite fascinated by our instructor. Not annoying like a mosquito, but you could totally start slapping at it after awhile. Best part? Watching the girl child play with the bubbles. She was trying to juggle them. I managed to catch one, and let it go, but she was passing them from hand to hand. It made me laugh - which always loosens the seal on my mask and makes me practice clearing - you know, so I don't drown. Guilty secret? Burping into your regulator is hilarious.
We still have our tanks - I'd like to borrow some pool time before we have to bring them back tomorrow. Next adventure is on the 11th. Then we will be official. Go us!
John Dryden
This is turning into the misadventures of Molly Mud - or some equally horrific account of my ridiculous attempts at - well, whatever. Currently it is all about diving.
I did not drown the beautiful girl in the "buddy breathing and ascent" drill today. This is an improvement over the last attempt, and since this time we were in real water, about 20 feet down, it is definitely a bonus. However, I brought her up so fast that if we had been deeper or down longer, we probably would have gotten bent. She, of course saved me in the classic textbook way. She started her descent at least once without putting her regulator (breathing doo hickey) into her mouth - oops, snorkels do not work underwater, which I proved when I tried to use my snorkel after giving her my regulator in the buddy breathing thing. Seriously, if I am the responsible party, one of us will drown. (not really, Mom, we are getting it)
I did not cramp up. Yay! I managed to control most of the painful parts of pressure equalization, but am still very stuffy and can barely hear out of one ear.
The biggest problem I have is control of my body in the water. I have always prided myself on my good balance. Even flabby and out of shape, I have great core strength and excellent balance. Except for some reason I have no control over my body in the water. Everyone else comes down straight, feet toward the bottom, head toward the surface. And they come up the same way. Not me. Sideways, sitting, twisted, flopping every which direction. I look like those movies of astronauts floating in space, except that I am more flailing than floating. A fish out of water looks positively graceful compared to me.
Some really cool stuff. We were diving at Weeki Wachee, and one of the Mermaids was training, right off the same platform we were learning on. I got to swim with a mermaid! Sort of - she was rather busy, and so were we. Random question - do mermaids pee in their tails? the water is very chilly, just sayin.' There was a very pretty little fish that was quite fascinated by our instructor. Not annoying like a mosquito, but you could totally start slapping at it after awhile. Best part? Watching the girl child play with the bubbles. She was trying to juggle them. I managed to catch one, and let it go, but she was passing them from hand to hand. It made me laugh - which always loosens the seal on my mask and makes me practice clearing - you know, so I don't drown. Guilty secret? Burping into your regulator is hilarious.
We still have our tanks - I'd like to borrow some pool time before we have to bring them back tomorrow. Next adventure is on the 11th. Then we will be official. Go us!
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Under The Sea
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
About 5 years ago I was visiting a friend in the keys when the girl child decided she wanted to go snorkeling. ACKKKKK I had been snorkeling, when I was very young, out at Looe Key, it was beautiful, and amazing, and I went into full panic mode everytime I got water in the snorkel. I'm sure my newly minted husband was already having second thoughts. Flash forward to the beautiful blue-eyed blonde, pleading with me, and telling me how easy it is - she does it with her Dad all the time.
I am not a momma that likes to deny my child new experiences, and I certainly don't want her to grow up tainted by my fears, so, I agreed. The darling man got me a cool "dry snorkel" we found a pretty little glass-flat, bath temperature, waist deep inlet and waded in. The girl says "see mommy?" stuck her face in the water and took off. Me? Gingerly put my face in (bent at the waist) and, yes, the snorkel did its job. With great trepidation I picked up my feet and started flailing like a mad women. At this point the Darling Husband convinced me to relax and quit stirring up the water. And guess what? I float! 15 years and 40 pounds after the previous attempt, my body composition is perfect for water sports. And it was on! a couple of snorkel trips to the keys a year, mask in the water at local beach days - go me.
I have to mention that I am probably world's laziest snorkeler. I often lay on a boogie board with my mask in the water while Fish Child pulls me around. And I don't get my face wet, or go under the water. So - time for the next step. SCUBA. It is a logical step. Photo girl is old enough, wants to beef up her underwater skills, loves the water. We live in Florida, for goodness sake! Plus, instead of whining because I miss my mountains, you would think after 20 some odd years I'd take a look see at the natural beauty offered by my immediate surroundings. The problem is that "beautiful Florida" is mostly underwater.
I am NOT afraid of the water. I just go into full freaky panic mode when my face gets wet. Logic, reasoning, knowledge that I am safe, all go AWOL the second water gets in my mask. I am blind, and I cannot breathe. Really. I don't get my face wet in the shower. I kind of thought SCUBA would be a cinch - I was significantly more worried about financial hurdles than mental ones. Besides, I'm not about to let my 14-year old 50ft under the surface without me. I bought all the gear, hoping my fear of wasting money is stronger than my fear of water.
No one told me that we would practice clearing the mask UNDER water. Or that I would have to tread water for 10 minutes (I never learned how - useless skill for someone that does not get wet). The first day in the pool was AWFUL, H-E- double hockey sticks, AWFUL. Every time I opened my mouth to put the regulator back in, my mask fills with water. Instant panic. Yes - I have air, Yes - I can breathe. But there is water in my nose and I can't see - I am blind I tell you, BLIND. I would be very hard to rescue - they will have to knock me out so I don't drown everyone.
Jeff - amazing instructor guy at Mac Sport is very patient and very firm. The second day was all about "you are OK, you can do this. Do it again. and Again. Do it one more time. OK, do it again," etc, etc. And did it, I did. Yay me!
Then it was fun! My nutball daughter even convinced me to do head stands with her at the bottom of the pool - and forgave me for letting her drown in buddy breathing scenarios when my legs cramped up just when we reached the surface. She saved me, of course. She's the calm one.
The girl child is amazing - and very proud of her mommy. We waited until she was older, because I knew that I could not be depended on to be calm in an underwater scenario, and she definitely is stepping up. We still have a pool class, and a couple of open water dives. My next challenge is properly clearing the ears, and learning how to maintain neutral buoyancy - We had tons of fun on the bottom of the pool, but I still can't hear 2 days later, and that big pile of money on the floor is not going to go away just because I go deaf when I dive.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
About 5 years ago I was visiting a friend in the keys when the girl child decided she wanted to go snorkeling. ACKKKKK I had been snorkeling, when I was very young, out at Looe Key, it was beautiful, and amazing, and I went into full panic mode everytime I got water in the snorkel. I'm sure my newly minted husband was already having second thoughts. Flash forward to the beautiful blue-eyed blonde, pleading with me, and telling me how easy it is - she does it with her Dad all the time.
I am not a momma that likes to deny my child new experiences, and I certainly don't want her to grow up tainted by my fears, so, I agreed. The darling man got me a cool "dry snorkel" we found a pretty little glass-flat, bath temperature, waist deep inlet and waded in. The girl says "see mommy?" stuck her face in the water and took off. Me? Gingerly put my face in (bent at the waist) and, yes, the snorkel did its job. With great trepidation I picked up my feet and started flailing like a mad women. At this point the Darling Husband convinced me to relax and quit stirring up the water. And guess what? I float! 15 years and 40 pounds after the previous attempt, my body composition is perfect for water sports. And it was on! a couple of snorkel trips to the keys a year, mask in the water at local beach days - go me.
I have to mention that I am probably world's laziest snorkeler. I often lay on a boogie board with my mask in the water while Fish Child pulls me around. And I don't get my face wet, or go under the water. So - time for the next step. SCUBA. It is a logical step. Photo girl is old enough, wants to beef up her underwater skills, loves the water. We live in Florida, for goodness sake! Plus, instead of whining because I miss my mountains, you would think after 20 some odd years I'd take a look see at the natural beauty offered by my immediate surroundings. The problem is that "beautiful Florida" is mostly underwater.
I am NOT afraid of the water. I just go into full freaky panic mode when my face gets wet. Logic, reasoning, knowledge that I am safe, all go AWOL the second water gets in my mask. I am blind, and I cannot breathe. Really. I don't get my face wet in the shower. I kind of thought SCUBA would be a cinch - I was significantly more worried about financial hurdles than mental ones. Besides, I'm not about to let my 14-year old 50ft under the surface without me. I bought all the gear, hoping my fear of wasting money is stronger than my fear of water.
No one told me that we would practice clearing the mask UNDER water. Or that I would have to tread water for 10 minutes (I never learned how - useless skill for someone that does not get wet). The first day in the pool was AWFUL, H-E- double hockey sticks, AWFUL. Every time I opened my mouth to put the regulator back in, my mask fills with water. Instant panic. Yes - I have air, Yes - I can breathe. But there is water in my nose and I can't see - I am blind I tell you, BLIND. I would be very hard to rescue - they will have to knock me out so I don't drown everyone.
Jeff - amazing instructor guy at Mac Sport is very patient and very firm. The second day was all about "you are OK, you can do this. Do it again. and Again. Do it one more time. OK, do it again," etc, etc. And did it, I did. Yay me!
Then it was fun! My nutball daughter even convinced me to do head stands with her at the bottom of the pool - and forgave me for letting her drown in buddy breathing scenarios when my legs cramped up just when we reached the surface. She saved me, of course. She's the calm one.
The girl child is amazing - and very proud of her mommy. We waited until she was older, because I knew that I could not be depended on to be calm in an underwater scenario, and she definitely is stepping up. We still have a pool class, and a couple of open water dives. My next challenge is properly clearing the ears, and learning how to maintain neutral buoyancy - We had tons of fun on the bottom of the pool, but I still can't hear 2 days later, and that big pile of money on the floor is not going to go away just because I go deaf when I dive.
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