"Success"

I grew up poor.  I never felt "poor."  We lived in a poor farming community, the major productive industry was cattle, which was locked up by a few long established family ranches, which provided very few jobs outside the families; some onion/potatoe farms, hay grown mostly in the wintering fields of the cattle ranchers.  And lumber.  Lumber was the main moneymaker for generations, and in the '70'and '80's the industry was falling apart.  There were fewer trees, tighter restrictions on where and how they could be harvested, laws for reforestation were in place, but those trees were not going to be ready to cut for a very long time.  Companies were closing mills, shipping rough cut timber over seas for processing, then selling our wood back to us for building.  The spotted owl was becoming the poster child for environmentalists wanting to eliminate all clear-cuts, and the loggers, millworkers and families were adapting by becoming hyper religious alcoholics.  Realize that these are the observations of a 10-15 year old girl with a deep, environmentally concious soul, and a very conservative republican up-bringing. 

Anyway - My mother was a master at instilling in us a sense of self-worth that had nothing to do with money.  We didn't have a lot of things, but I never felt it was because we couldn't afford them - it was always more like, we didn't need them. My parents did not believe in any kind of waste, everything was re-used, composted, saved if it was at all salvageable, re-worked and put to a different task.  My mother could have been Macgyver.  If anything I left home feeling slightly superior to the rest of the world.  (In subsequent posts I will probably write about all my feelings of inadequecy, low self-esteem, anger, etc.  But, hey we are complicated beings, and I have a lot of convoluted, complicated, conflicting personality traits).

During all of this chaos of starting a new job, having everyone congratulating me, having the Happy Husband, and Happy Child, express their excitement about reduction of worry, etc.  I have not been excited.  I keep thinking when I get the big check I'll be more excited, or that right now I'm just tired from working a couple of 50+ hour weeks and trying to get the new system all figured out, and soon I, too, will be happy.  

Then someone asked me how it was to be successful after years of struggling.    BOOM.  That's it.  I have never factored money into a measure of success.  Owning my own business isn't what makes me feel successful, my dad was a small business operator, and I never wanted that stress and time drain for myself.   I currently own a small practice, specializing in a field that very few others work in.  I am nationally recongnized.  I am, in a small way, able to contribute to the body of knowledge.  I am a very good manual therapist.  I am an excellent TMJ and chronic pain therapist.  I am one of the top pelvic pain therapists in the country (small playing field; I'm not bragging as much as it sounds).  I am, at best, a mediocre Home-Health/rehab therapist.  So, I'm making the big bucks doing something that I'm not very good at.  In my measurement of success, this job is actually a step down.  I am very happy that I made this decision, it is absolutely the best decison for my family, and it won't be long before I am a very good home-health therapist, but I do not in anyway feel more "successful" now that I will have more money, a means for getting out of debt, and can put money away for the future.

Some more insights into my "success."  I will not have extra free time with this job, but I will have less mental fatigue.  Which means I may be able to devote resources to some projects I have in my head.  Like developing a self-healing workshop for women with chronic pelvic pain, helping more people than I am now with individual treatments.  This job make actually give me the means to be more succesful, by MY definition.