Transition

I have been offered a job.  A REALLY great job.  Benefits (my husband's new job no longer gives us health insurance, etc).  Great perks.  Twice the money I make working for myself.  TWICE.  Completely flexible schedule.

The Darling Man thinks it is a fabulous idea.  The neighbors consider it a no-brainer.  The few patients that I've talked to (the offer happened yesterday - I haven't talked to many of them) are OK with switching to a random, late evening schedule.  Yes - the hours are flexible enough that I can keep my little place open, at least to see the patients that need to see me, stick to my speciality areas, and refer out anyone that doesn't fall into the "pelvic pain" or "tmj" category.  Did I mention really good money?

So what is my hold up?   Maybe I feel like I'm admitting defeat.  I've had my own business for 10 years.  I have mostly supported myself with this income.  For several of those years I also supported at least one employee.  I have become nationally recognized in my field.  None of this sounds like failure.  

I keep saying that my hands can't do deep manual therapy forever.  This is a perfect balance - rehab during the day, 6-8 patients a week in my office in the evenings.   My hands get a much needed break after 20-some-odd years.  And the two venues are different enough, it will not feel like I worked 48 hours in a week.  I LOVE what I do, I just don't like doing anything all the time.


Maybe I'm afraid that I have forgotten how to work with others?  But, I have done contract work with this company for over a year - I like (and respect) the therapy staff; and, although there have been lots of management changes in the year I have worked for them, I really feel that right now they have a good team.

Maybe I'm afraid I'll screw it up?  Paperwork is huge when doing medicare part A (even worse than part B).  But I'm good, almost compulsive about timely paperwork, even if you can't read it.  What if I get bitchy because they expect me to drive all over God's green earth? - ridiculous, the only service one county, and it is not THAT big.  

Maybe I really can't juggle a full time case load, with all of my family duties.   Maybe I'm not as organized as I keep telling myself I am.

What if I really do think money is the root of all evil, and suddenly making the kind of money that every other PT with my experience makes will corrupt me?  maybe I will get greedy, quit caring about the patient, start worrying about the paycheck?  I became self-employed without ever achieving the salary level of the average PT.  I have simply never made the money that I could have.  Even when I made a huge weekly wage, I took 2 months off in the summer, which limited the yearly salary.  Money has never been as important to me as time.  I don't want that to change.


All of this is vague, made up worry.  I know none of it is true, not "real" issues.  They are deeply seated beliefs about myself (I also think that I am secretly stupid, completely scatterbrained, and have no sense of direction - none of this is true either, except maybe scatter brain, but only under undue stress).  Sometimes the made up stuff is harder to get around than the real issues.

There is really only one real issue.  If I make this leap, and I suddenly need to go home to Oregon for an extended period of time - will the job still be there when I get back?  Will I be prepared to go back to my low-salaried self employed status, or looking for another job?  They have agreed to be as flexible as possible with this, but, they also need to cover their patients without completely destroying the morale of current staff.  Do I have the flexibility to help out if one of the other therapists need to be gone?

The neighbors and friends are right - it is a no-brainer.  Lucky for me, they are flexible enough to give me time to make a decision and wrap my head around it.  I feel like a "recovering entrepreneur" like it is some sort of disease.  They have even offered the opportunity to start me on a full time schedule, at a per-diem rate, for a while to see if it is a good fit for me.  This much I have committed too.  Really, the way I'm whining and waffling, you'd think I ought to be committed.  

Alright - I'm going to try to sleep on it.  Big day with the girl-child tomorrow (today?)